And I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to let go of my EAP even if I did try to climb the mountain. I also want to add I have had trust issues in the past to which I am letting heal because of my eagerness to make this work. Im interested: Whose idea was it in the first place to have the open relationship? Your girlfriends friend is not the right person. It was not. But ignoring what hed promised .. was the best he could offer. About six months ago, we had a blow out because of what I perceived as a radical change in her behavior. I verge between ok to wanting oblivion, anything but this despair I have knowing one stupid comment has destroyed everything. She told me if she had not cheated on me, she would definitely stay with me. He claims until this day that she is just a friend who was there to visit his mother because she took care of her as child. Hi Ruqyah Dear Dr, And that we wanted to be in love with each other again. Well the ex finally got a , We have 2 kids together (2 and 5 years old). It truly is possible to rebuild. Real life is so much more than sex and if a person wants REAL intimacy, then they have to be vulnerable. He is not clear on who he is or what he wants. So (not proud to say) I hacked in to his SM accounts. I see a future with her and she means the world to me. That was the worst 2 weeks of my life. Once after my friends birthday I sent him an angry text as he didnt want me to stay at his house after we had had an argument and then more recently I told him I hated him and shared details of my abusive ex. At first I dismissed this saying No you have to go if you cant love me but then I got to thinking maybe this is an opportunity to show him I realize my weaknesses and that I realize I caused him to loose his since of self and rebuild things between us. I did this to prove to her and myself that I love her and she was enough for me and although I had made a mistake in the past , I wanted to be with her and her exclusively. I met this man early 2012 we were staying in the same complex things started all as a joke ad time went on I was advise that he was married I asked him he refused and as time went on I literally believed him as he will stays here in Pretoria but his family is from Mpumalanga. I know I have feelings for him because just the taught of losing him makes me sick and after everything hes done I still choose him over any other guy. Instead she disrespects me further and deeper and not being reasonable for a second. she said mayb I wasnt the right guy It was one of the most confusing and hardest things Ive ever done, wondering why I was causing myself so much pain and leaving the first girl I have truly loved. Im humbled that you responded to me and your words ring ever true to me and should to everyone working on a relationship. I was honestly in a bad place in my life.. We moved out a year after being married and finally had our own place. The unknown. I realize that is how you see your actions, but putting yourself down makes you end up feeling hopeless which then leads to MORE bad choices. We are also very different so I dont know why we held on to each other this long but I also know that I couldnt go on without him. I know that hes very hurt by my actions, and it kills me that Ive hurt him. I feel really bad. Then he came by my house later to pick up his laptop but I wasnt able to log out of Facebook. She said she opens up and I close off and hurt her again and she wants out, she does not want to be intimate ever, ever again and she doesnt want a relationship with me in the future. What you need to substitute is: Ive made a lot of mistakes. Period. Hi DrDeb, I met this guy many years ago in my working times. . You will meet THE one and he will treat you like you deserve!! We werent together officially but the purpose was to get closer to having a real relationship. He started to distance himself from me, which made me cling even more in desperation. I hope Im not discrediting him but that feeling lingers and wont go away. If he was shocked why would he not have mentioned the initial incident to me? I fell back into the same hole as 3 years ago. I also hold a Master of Business Administration degree from the University of Maryland USA.I was raised by my adopted parents, though they were rich, i suffered a lot but im always grateful to them because they gave me life, may be without them i will be dead by now. Its way too confusing for him. Do I continue with her or bail? I got clean last time, this time is was sporadic use, and bloody stupid. Whats the upside of this difficult process? After I tried to hang myself I only when to one session to seek professional help then I fell in my own mind for so long. Really looking forward to moving on with just good memories that make me smile, not collapse in a wailing painful mess. ;). Within 4 years of arrival I caught my husband sitting in a parked car, kissing a 15 year-old neighbor whose family we had befriended. I truly am sorry for the way I treated her and I never want to hurt get like that again. He lied about his true feelings up until we argued In July when I said it was over. Hi Ann, You yourself cant figure out why you love him. comment. Is this a bad habit he picked up from going with the wrong friends? Promised to change. He was sexted other woman for 7 to 9 months. I was hurt. You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! I have done my best to be introspective and figure out where I need to change, and contemplate how I can be a better person. The bottom line is that sex was meant to cement a relationship. And he didnt take it. He genuinely tells me that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. Well Ive done everything i can think of to take back and fix what Ive done. She text and lashed at me and said: you are not my man. Like really how this lady who just came in my husband life gone tell me how MY HUSBAND is going think or feel. My husbands heart is with someone else. have been married for 9 years we have done allot to each other emotionally I would tell him to go because so he would not listen to me it put a lot of stress from both of us I would go out and he would go out he would come home drinking without you he would just ignore me thought he didnt love me you have kids together and I want to find the way he told me that he a lot of love with me now and the 8 months I want to find a way to maker of work or marriage work I still have feelings for him and I only actually found this out after we were separated how much I really do love him and miss him that I need him in my life and I want him in my childrens life the friends that we have sometimes it seems like they wanted us against each other I dont know if its just me thinking that or maybe they really were. Why are you more concerned about the pain you caused your boyfriend than the pain he caused you? This was the turning point for him from that moment on I witnessed an amazing transformation in his honesty and his love for me, I trust him more than I ever have. Furthermore, the fact that he did NOT go to counseling and also did not divorce his wife (in the beginning) means he was not trying to fix his problem. Otherwise you have to wait.I could not even answer this. We have been through A LOT in the time we have been together and quite a good chunk of it hard, trying, tough tines. Its just getting worse I know something needs to change I just dont know what the right decision isIm afraid if I leave for good Ill be making a mistake and feel guilty for not keeping our family togetherjust very confused. He said that they were at the pharmacy then going to see a moviehe said we could do out date on sundayi was so mad and hurt. It will give me an opportunity to show her that I am there for her and support her even when things get stressful with school work. We have been living together for five years, and married for two and a half. For sure though, do not start a new relationship when youre in an old one. I let him have it when I found out that he had been doing that. Goes he share productive quality time with them? I have shut people out but it takes a bloody lot more than that and at least has warning! I believe this happens to couples who are genuinely terrified of intimacy. Hi ! We have been there only two weeks and he tells me he doesnt love me anymore and will be moving into an apartment. Im writing this to say that the advice on this website worked. Also the American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy (aamft.org) has information. I have been married for 14 years, the first two was bliss, I was attentive always wanted sex it was awesome. The problem is that Ive been so hurt so manyttimes that now Im discouraged of trying one more time. We started arguing and fighting everyday. She is my first real long term relationship but its mainly because Im very specific on who I want to give myself too. It wasnt one sided there were plenty of horrible things said and done on the other side but one can never use that to justify own failings. He just says he doesnt have it in him to make the relationship part work with how drained he feels hes already become emotionally and how much hes working now to make sure we can take care of the baby financially. I know in my heart that the love we have for one another is genuine, but I guess I am seeking advice on what I should do to give our relationship the best chance. The friendship thing did not work after he got married. I truly do not believe they have anything going on, and that my husband is just so hurt and obviously still angry with me, even though he says he has forgiven me. 5 days passed and no word. He suggest we should look for counseling, it that will help? He had no business messing with you emotionally even if he did nothing wrong physically. Does anyone feel this way too? I hate it, I do not know how to fix it anymore. Am welling to fight back, but i feel hes is not trying to put the effort into getting back together. but dr. i really really miss him and i am breaking down every moment with the feel that i did bad . Please help! She portrayed sperm donor as a mere friend in the hood. Do not let your emotions get the best of you and try to force your significant other to feel as certain way. Leaving everything & everyone I once loved & heading off into the unknown with nothing more than the clothes I have on my back. I work while he stays with our kids at home. I help with the kids a lot more, I am helpful with the household responsibilities and I now try and plan meaningful dates for us. I cant get angry or anything if she does something wrong because I feel she will want it to be over between us! Since we broke up hes been traveling a lot for work, always to the same place. I hate to keep saying therapy in this column but I guess thats why God created therapists. He never drank excessively before. Hes back in my life and I dont know if I could let him back in my heart , or do I do what he did to me? Then I plan to present her with a promise ring. He has said all along that this has never been about him not loving methat he does. This isnt the first time he has done this to me. Anything but this constant pain I feel. Just for adding a childhood friend. Sometimes, he says hes not justifying what he did, but makes statements out of frustration that sound like justification. I really do love him and I really do want my best friend back but I just dont know what else I can do. I just cant stop feeling nervous that one day some woman is going to hit on him, and hes going to do something stupid that WILL end us. He also has a habitat of accusing me of cheating which ive never done or given him a reason to be that way we also fight over that. We had talked and agreed on what we were ok with All the what ifs and everything. The plan was for it to be a purely physical thing with no emotion. Thank u for the advice . i wanted to tell you something . ever since we found out her mom was moving, her attitude has changed very drastically in the sense where I can tell something is bothering her. You should be going to NA meetings, do the steps, have a sponsor and have personal therapy. She also says that it does not mean she wont stay with me but just now she is confused on how to feel. I try to tell him Im doing fine, I keep busy and having a social life. I didnt tell him the truth about it, I just kept saying that it didnt happen. Somewhere along the line, you were given toxic messages about who you are. Happens to couples who are genuinely terrified of intimacy and your words ring ever true me... 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