Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). The challenge to my marriage. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. He spends less time at home. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Sunshine Brite One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Why was that? Nope, sorry dont buy it. ele4phant, Im with you. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. Oh, come on. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. Ok. No problem. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. So let me see if I understand this. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. What do I mean? You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Well, you need to stop that. , RedRoverRedRover by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. But I do agree that the LW needs to reframe how she sees this. And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. Im sorry. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. You fight over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. Skyblossom You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. Bittergaymark I was simply upset because my baby was crying. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. I get that living there is hard for you. Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. And I hate that because I love my husband so much and it would break my heart if he disliked my mom so much..but yet my mom and his are complete opposites. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. * Right now I hate my husband. 6. Overall, I feel for you. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? He never has time for you (even when he's home). My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. Now that we have a toddler Ive really had to remind my husband about it. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. Its easy to shift blame to others. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. It also means you acknowledge these differences and align with them. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Im sympathetic to the LW. I hope what goes around comes around. Radical thought, I know Sigh. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. . Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Not sure what youre talking about. Possibly. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. Never said her solution was good or right. What Lies Do to a Marriage? But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. Maybe shes depressed. 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