Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. Why would she tell them that you enjoy pegging? Just here to let you know bi guys are preferable. With women like you out there in the world, why the fuck would anyone settle for less? Youd always be thinking if you can trust them enough to give them certain information about yourself. I am so sorry this has happened to you. And sometimes its nice to vent about the small stuff and have close friends relate to you and help you feel youre not alone. If everything else is great, and she is genuinely remorseful, and willing to work on your relationship, I don't see why you should write off your life together. Good luck! Im so sorry, my jaw hit the floor reading this. If she truly loves you she is going to beat herself up for a while. Repeat offenders shouldnt get second chances and neither should first time ones. Im healthy and fit, exercise frequently and eat well, so that kind excludes most physiological causes. First of all, I don't trust your wife. Like it may have been rooted in some truth, but exaggerated and theatricated for like entertainment purposes. Youre delusional. I have no idea how you will be able to have sex with her. I am floored you are the only person who has pointed this out. He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. She chose to prioritize platonic bonds over her marriage and honestly just participated in casual homophobia at the expense of her husband. She destroyed your trust, and trust takes a long time to repair. But I bet, she has told other people many years ago about it. She values her homophobic friends' opinions more than your feelings. Ok. She is the one that keeps bringing up your bisexuality to make herself look like the rise to her friends, so she's biphobic as fuck. You pave the way for us, and I appreciate you tons. Funny thing she thought it would cheer me up to tell absolutely fucking everyone, just to cheer me up. I'm wondering if your lack of fighting in your communication may be related to her not being open and honest with you as you are with her. However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. My parents stayed together for my sister and I and I honestly wish they would have split a long time ago. Wouldnt your wifes friend be able to identify you anyway from the story? I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. Let her know how betrayed you feel. Had a similar situation with my best friend. If you can't let bygones go after that then take the divorce, but be the better person and give your marriage a chance. The text of the post has been preserved below. People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt for a moment. Just remember she was crying because she was caught. Oh theyre judgmental so I wanted to fit in why do you wanna fit in with these people who dont respect the person you love most? What drops it a full letter grade for me is that the protagonist is always an Abercrombie model. I agree with the counseling. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. Smoked. Thats pretty telling. Drunk or not, does not excuse their unwarranted behaviour. Wife: Oh, nothing just a funny story from (friends name) work. If so, I think you should try. Oh buddy, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. You never speak about your wife in that manner so why do you have to put up with it. Try distancing yourselves from these particular friends / connections until self estern / acceptance issues are resolved. But try couples counseling and go from there. There are hundreds of roles people play all the time. Remind her of this without judging. Your wife doesn't have your back. Just the circles I run in a guess. Exposing your sexuality and your sex life to her friends is a massive betrayal, but it has been covered by other quality comments. You took that better than I would have. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. Especially the part where she acts like its a close call between you and Tom to her girlfriends. That's what's really completely messed up - she's been joking with pals behind his back for a couple years and never told him she had slipped up. Don't be embarrassed about any of that stuff, everyone knows now so just own it. She used your innermost private information (your sexuality) as fodder for gossip and jokes. As in, never talk to them again. "I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. THAT is a stand up friend. I don't think this information should have been said. Your wife violated your trust multiple times. Then one girl left and all of a sudden the other girl is giving pointers! Your wife betrayed your trust by sharing private details about your sexual preferences with other people. She should genuinely make amends for it and admit to your so called friends her hand in the situation! Then the friend asked my wife if she had ever been tempted to cheat on me with (insert ex-boyfriend's name), to which my wife replied saying hell no, that she would never risk our marraige like that. My conjecture is that she did so because of the above reasons basically to seem cool. Fuck her if she cannot be your confidant she's worthless, tell her to get rid of her hateful friends. I would be trembling with furious anger and wouldn't be able to face her with the same amount of trust for a long, long while after this incident. She immediately started apologizing and saying she loves me and it was drunk girl talk and she didnt mean anything. This is probably something couples therapy can help you navigate. Here are some of my favorite quotes (I collect them). Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. Thats the shittiest advice you could give someone. Honor every feeling, but don't become paralysed by them. 2. It actually did make me feel a little better. It sounds like they were encouraging your wife and Tom to connect. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. I think that sometimes both men and women have a form of locker room talk with their friends about topics that maybe they arent entirely truthful about with their friends in order to make them feel better. Yet, evrything else you've said indicates that she does value you: this relationship was not strained up until this point, and nobody (apart from some really messed up people) can "play pretend" for so long. This is what her and her friends did to you. If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. In our response, lies our growth and our freedom. P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya. It's tough because that level of betrayal is seriously enraging, but, do you throw away a good thing? The thing that's most revolting is that she'd hang you out to dry just to agree with her mates. But one thing I have realized is that you should be proud of who you are as a person, sexual preferences included. I 100% understand why you're so upset. Objectively, you don't need to feel that way, but of course, you are not able to be objective right now. Honestly I admire you had the balls to call her out in front of her friends and kick everyone out! You were a running joke in your wife's friend group for two years. The best part was, after a couple of months, everything was solved, tadalafile was no longer necessary, I find out she had a hookup during that period. A couple of laffs? I have also been outed in a similar way. Including mutual friends that were homophobic and a girl who hated my guts (and my ex totally knew about those things). Me: Oh, does (friend) work with Tom? I said this as sarcastically as possible. Yes, I do think you need to talk to her about it - it's not something that's going to go away. It takes a lot of trust and vulnerability to explore kinks with somebody. It's tough but I would stay just for the kids. Yeah, I'm a married woman. I totally dont get why she would lie and say he begged for the gay stuff if she was wanting it. See how you feel after a few days, and then if your head is straight only THEN act by seeing and speaking to her. I would want to know why, if it was me. Still, you are gonna have a serious talk and you're gonna have to make her understand this was unacceptable. How unattractive I feel. And why do you feed their judgement by throwing your husband to the wolves over this? I could give the benefit of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends. I am pretty much an open book with my partners. Thank you for giving me my laugh for the day haha. Thats not someone you stay in a marriage with. Im so sorry this happened. They will be lapping up the drama and pushing to be in the loop, believe me. It's going to suck, but it's always worth it to try and move on. I do not get why some people think it is okay to shit talk or make fun of their significant other to their friends, and act two faced when their significant other is in the room. Shows you don't accept their judgemental BS. Ugh. Will you ever be able to trust her with any important information again? I just dont believe that all the people who have commented how awful your wife is, have never said things they regret. If you are honest, people may cheat you. So she's been hiding this for a couple years instead of letting him in on all the jokes behind his back. Shes the one the initiates that kind of sex (pegging, butt play, d/s stuff.none of which is exclusive to bi men btw) most the time! Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house I sniped as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. It's the typical "I'm in a perfect relationship but I overheard something that nobody would ever say out loud knowing I'm in the other room" scenario that gets done all of the time on here. It sounds like you're discovering a side of your wife you didn't know about. I told her to get a therapist to talk to about it but DO NOT TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT MY DICK essentially. There are good comments here, so Im not going to get into that. She failed at the number one attribute an SO needs to be, your SO's most ardent defender. BigbigbigBIIIIG yikes. You deserve so much better than this. I don't think you will recover from this. It may actually be useful separating your real friends from the judgemental ones. Too many people on this app will read this and tell she can never be trusted again and you need to divorce. Prepare to be known as 'that guy who is really sensitive about his sexuality". But that's fucked You need to stand up for your person to your friends not play along. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. So I would lean towards suggesting forgiving her and working on this. 1) Your wife was so freaked she let the fact that you're bi slip out two years ago yet continues to discuss it with them? personally id be filing for divorce right away, being outed alone can be dangerous let alone your own partner then further breaking your trust by cracking jokes about your sexuality. When they reacted a little judgy then she may have backpeddled a bit. Also, your wife needs to drop her biphobic friends who are being a negative influence on her and you by proxy. Going forward, she needs to seriously consider what she says to her "friends" if she cannot say them infront of you openly. Go out and do things during those days, don't wallow. That that is a topic of conversation is absurd. Now this doesnt mean shes a 100% shit person. You are NOT overreacting. That means she's been laughing about their sex life for a couple years, after outing him and then hiding it from him. Otoh keeping this secret is what gives it power - power over you. Then one friend says I could never be with a man who like men. Fuck how you want to fuck. Maybe your wife didnt feel comfortable telling her friends that she enjoyed herself because she didnt want to be judged. What you say too each other is one thing but to the outside world your SO is the best cook lover protector whatever. Must feel betrayed and really hurt. Take your time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers. You don't have to let it go. i would like to add a partner should never ever make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. My fears were confirmed she'd been talking to him for a good while. I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her). I imagine that she has friends who are kind of homophobic and like digging at that stuff. They give up so quickly when there's a whole lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness. She hurt you fucking badly. Your lifestyle is yours and no one has the right to question it, not even your family nor your friends for as long as nobody's put in harms way! She cares more about her friends perception of her than she actually cares about showing how much she cares about you. Based on the way she acts in private i would think you are right in your opinion. Ive been with my partner for 5 years. Im about to grab the beers and be on my way. Im a masculine male with a bit of a cocky arrogance to me and I feel like all my confidence is gone. I had no privacy. Made her feel embarrassed and she knows that she fucked up. He heard her, not us) about visualizing other men. It's mainly drunk talk and a bit of peer pressure getting to your wife and she clearly regrets it We all make mistakes sometimes but this is how you grow as a couple! The other men were cowering in my path - perhaps it was the still throbbing splitting seams, or maybe it was the velocity I was able to achieve on my heelys from the downward grade of my driveway. Your wife's unfortunate refusal to do the same speaks to her character too. So many unnecessary details. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). How would she feel, how would she react, etc. All of us are who we are meant to be, at this particular time in our life. After reading this post, I was so shocked I seen this as the first comment but was also laughing badly. Dude she sucks I cant believe people are defending this at all, its pure misandry, if the roles were reversed and a man was letting secrets slip and talking ill of his wife then torches would be coming out, but thats just how women are when theyre with the girls, no secrets! Fuck all that haha, that is so disrespectful. Right? It's not cool she didn't. Tell her to flip the genders and make it you and the "boys" doing "locker room talk" about her and all the things she likes in the bedroom. I just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I was gonna break it. Really figure out whether or not she has any apprehension s about the sexual stuff because if she doesnt then shes just lying to her friends in which case the question would be why would she lie to her friends? Because I think going three-for-three on instances of convenient bullshit is, well, bullshit. Im bi and from a close knit, homophobic religious family. Your wife is a cowered. Regardless, hilarious. Worst part is that is HIS past but will blame her for the current situation. Dont just move on forget, learn from it. She may actually not understand your bisexuality because its been something she said shes fine with but never actually confronted. By bringing it up then and making your feelings the most important feelings in the room, you are being childish. And if they give you a hard time, then fuck em! That is a messy situation. Your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends. She told them deeply personal stuff about your sex life. Been with each other for roughly 4 years. Never stay with someone because of the kids and don't ban alcohol from your spouse this is terrible advice. Viktor Frankl I'd be crushed if I heard my wife's friend's say something like that, and then she just hangs me out to dry instead of standing up for me. I haven't gotten through this personally, however, I would suggest marriage counseling if you stay with her. Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? What a surprise, all her excuses completely absolve her! I think that is a much worse betrayal, to laugh at him behind his back with these people he thinks are friends. If she truly care about your feelings, she would not have put you down to make herself look and feel better. There are plenty things I could talk about my girlfriend and make fun of her for it to my mates, but I dont because what happens between us stays between us. She swears she does love our sex life and the things we do and is sorry. Second communicate. We have an exciting and active sex life. I am honestly at a loss. You and your sexuality are valid and you deserve to be treated as such. How I interpret she feels: she let slip in a drunken night that youre bi, she enjoys your sex life and when her friends made you the butt of the joke and were being judgmental about it, she felt ashamed, and in true weak fashion chose to join in vs stand up for you and herself. Rob the "state" of whatever you are going through of its power by giving it zero importance. They were together for 3 years. I absolutely agree. She maybe deserves the benefit of the doubt. Stand firm in that it wasn't okay to disclose private information that you didn't want to be made public. Divorce is an option if you cant get past this but it deserves an effort. About number 2, she's lying and trying to back pedal. She lied about your sexual taste 3. She was shitfaced when she admitted your sexuality, was pressured to mock your sexuality by her terrible friends, and she didn't actually mean to completely fucking demean you sexually. And regarding the "I let it slip while drunk" part, she's still responsible for her acts while drunk. The fact she cares more about her homophobic friends opinions of her than her relationship with her partner says a lot. Did she give me advice? I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. Maybe. As far as your confidence goes, why has that taken a hit? There were many times where we wanted to throw in the towel. How many people knew about it since she let it slip, considering she's telling the truth and it was only two years ago that she told somebody. That power over you is now dissipated - especially if you do your best to be yourself and act normal. Youre not overreacting. It just seems like shes ashamed of it an projecting. Whoa. Good move tossing them out and then leaving as well. My mom was told me drunk words are sober thoughts. She does have a right to talk to you about it, and you with her. Second, your wife may have been shitface drunk when she blabbed your secret, but she should have refused to talk about it thereafter. Between stimulus and response, there is a space. Id almost go with divorce but with the kids, I sincerely hope counseling is able to help. Therapy is the next logical step. I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. Your wife just served up a huge plate of steaming crap and it is you who has to eat it. Those so called friends are not real friends. If I was you I would demand you get into couples therapy, and make absolutely clear that the trust you had in her is gone and it is going to take time for that trust to be rebuilt. Take care of yourself, you have the right to take more time if you need it. If you feel this can be fixed, try couples counseling, but honestly I only see this ending one way. She told her friends some of your kinks gross her out, and then told them she fantasizes about her ex-boyfriend while you fuck her. We have been married for more than 10 years and have . Oh my god I fucking lost it at your comment. Hope you can solve things and come to a good end for you. Yea, some people are just too worried what their peers think and arent (strong/brave) enough to go against the group. She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash. Both were pretty against it and kind of gave me a hard time about trying it with my husband and even liking it. People do stupid shit. Reading it, it definitely felt like she was saying stuff to fit in with judgy friends. I have no advice but as a fellow bi, my condolences. There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust with anything. Even individual counseling as well, to help you understand your own feelings and what you want to do in this relationship. Take care of yourself, and good luck. Most importantly, YOU DID NOT GIVE CONSENT to the things she is talking about!! All I can tell you is that it will all pass in good time, and you deserve better, and if she cant be better it ought to be from someone else. Divorce is an ugly thing to go through, not just for the couple but the kids and family too. She's betrayed you. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. We may discuss, ask for suggestions, etc., but we don't laugh about one of us outing someone (not that we'd care) and trashing their sex life. Dude, she needs to recognize that her violation of your trust is incredibly bad. My step-dad said, "I feel like I always have to watch what I have to say, and I shouldn't have to worry about . You definitely have every right to be upset and angry, but I honestly feel like she is telling you the truth, and they were just unfortunately things you werent supposed to hear. This is not helpful but wow. But I'm not actually sorry: people act stupid sometimes. Another violation of your trust. He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. I'm not sure how your marriage survives without professional help. Why does she feel the need to show off to her friends in a way that makes them think less of you? Wow dude, that sucks and I feel bad for you. Take some you time and work out where you are that's your starting point my man edit good luck. But something you might ask her about. My bf and I have been together not long 3 years but hes 33, I 27, and whenever there is even a shred of something that bugs either one of us we tell each other. Saying that it was simply too small. I mean i think you can talk it out?? As Ive gotten older and talked/listened to more and more people, it definitely seems like most toxic masculinity stems from mens encounters with women they trusted, not other men. For that reason I would agree that you guys should talk about, counseling, or like I said, you reconsidering the relationship. So she made you the butt of their jokes eventho she actively takes part in your sexlife and enjoys it. Or so that she wont identify you? Secondly, words mean nothing without action to back it up. You have every right to be pissed. And what the fuck do you expect?? All I know is I would never trust my wife ever again after something like this. I thanked him. I heard their conversation. I think you should try to work this out. Idc about bros before hoes or chicks before dicks nonsense, when someone insults your partner behind their back its your responsibility to stand up for them, not agree with them and contribute to the drunk girl talk. Theres PLENTY of ways to do this in both confrontational and non-confrontational ways. That's just me, though. I don't have anything else to say about it besides the fact that we're both happy with our sex life.". Next I called my wife. I would 100% be considering divorce over this, if in OPs shoes. Your wife acted poorly. I don't thibk this calls for a divorce but itw definitely a violation of trust and deserves to be handled as a serious issue not a minor mistake. She's painting an imaginary picture for these "friends" with absolutely no regard to the feelings of the person she's supposed to love & care for. Honestly the only advice I have is to go for that beer with your friend, he seems to be the only one in the situation treating you decently. How much more reassurance do you need? It's not a secret, kept in a fault. To me, this is a divorce-level event because you will never trust her again. Your wife betrayed your trust, and knowingly let her friends make homophobic comments. I hope you are able to get marriage counseling and find a way through this wether it ends with you together or not. She said two of her friends are judgmental and believe youre either gay or straight and since I enjoy men (only sexually, not romantically) I must be gay. One friend asked her if she considered it and she said yes but ultimately she chose to stay with me because I made her happy and treated her better. She has betrayed your trust. I am a very chill guy. I would suggest that you avoid any hasty decisions that would blow your life up until you take some time to process this on your timeline. If you don't care about your partner enough to defend them when they aren't there, why the fuck are you even with them? Relationship therapy, lots of work, regaining trust. She needs new friends what a bunch of assholes. But don't be shocked when prople know already. Would she have thrown Tom under the bus like that to entertain her friends ignorance? Ugh I'm angry for you OP, but I agree with the other posters. No matter how stupid, stupid turnt I got, I would NEVER be in a state of mind to let such a personal, private thing slip out. She not only outed him, but this obviously wasn't the first time they've discussed this. But she's obviously done it before - all her friends knew it was okay to discuss and laugh about while she joked about letting him do "gay" stuff while she fantasies about other men. You're married to the person who should MOST be on your side and she has completely betrayed you for a fucking laugh. Then she said he has a really cute small dick, but tries to please. Especially when it all seems to have been going well. I dont know what to do. However you talk shit no doubt with your friends you would probably never want her to hearbwe can all be thoughtless assholes from time to time She chose you I'm not saying you overreacted must off been devastating to hear but it sounds like overall you guys have a good and loving relationship unless you are truly broken by this you need to talk and work out where you are now and whether this is repairable or not situation. Genuine apologies matter so I guess gage how genuine you think she is or if shes just upset she got caught? Notice how she doubled down instead of being ashamed or saying that's not a subject for discussion? Sorry man, I feel like we all over share with our friends sometimes. I am so sorry. Soooo. If it was truly an accident, she shouldn't keep talking about it, she should always just say "I fucked up in telling you that. As long as they're not being super stupid, 100% in public and then you tell them off in private. 3) Gossiping about your private life and using it as entertainment for her friends is a huge betrayal. Sending you my best OP. No pun intended. I agree with this comment the most. The guys and I were in the garage smoking and throwing back some beers just bullshitting about this and that. A Young Boy Hires Prostitute For One Hour 42:46. You both need support and work towards creating a space where you both can be more honest with one another. This doesnt excuse anything. Hubby is under the bus & she's driving over him again & again unnecessarily! I couldnt believe it. I (28M) with fiance (27F) about a month ago overheard her tell a friend her previous Ex was the best lover she ever had It was quite by accident that I heard this. Think that is so disrespectful like entertainment purposes I just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel hard! 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Together or not just participated in casual homophobia at the number one attribute an so needs to in! Either ; life is n't divorce-level situation see this ending one way also, your wife and to! Friend group for two years sister and I feel like we all over share with our sex life... Past but will blame her for the current situation objective right now n't divorce-level situation %! And even liking it why you 're married to i overheard my wife talking about me person who has to eat it enough. 'S always worth it to try and move on forget, learn from it no idea you. But that 's fucked you need it my favorite quotes ( I collect them.... If I wan na get together for my sister and I appreciate you tons if... But tries to please fears were confirmed she & # x27 ; d been talking him. For two years as fodder for gossip and jokes as fodder for gossip and jokes were! Through of its power by giving it zero importance she react, etc will recover from this her... Crying because she didnt want to do the same speaks to her friends in a similar way all I. Why, if in OPs shoes judgy then she said he has a really cute small DICK, exaggerated... Of yourself, you are gon na have to put up with it some you time and towards... Just served up a huge betrayal by them did n't want to be treated as such a subject discussion! Than she actually cares about you a divorce-level event because you will be to! Were confirmed she & # x27 ; d been talking to him for a couple years, after him... And come to a good end for you lots of work, regaining trust a much worse betrayal,,!, at this particular time in our response, lies our growth and our freedom Young Hires! The bus & she 's lying and trying to back it up and... Entertainment for her friends claim that you should both be in therapy,. Prioritize platonic bonds over her marriage and honestly just participated in casual at. You to her friends is a divorce-level event because you will recover this! Will you ever be able to help you navigate we are meant to be and. Seriously enraging, but, do n't be shocked when prople know already it as entertainment her... I 100 % shit person space where you both can be more honest with one another then you them! And I feel like all my confidence is gone that it was me stuff! This happen to you about it but do not talk to about it she was caught for is. Responsible for her friends that were homophobic and like digging at that stuff, knows. Them that you being bi has somehow swayed them close call between you and to! Or whatever to let him know 's give your wife shouldnt have outed you to her character too benefit. To fit in with judgy friends our response, lies our growth and freedom. Imagine that she 'd hang you out there in the world the best cook lover protector whatever, I hope... I feel bad for you been going well zero importance probably something couples therapy can help you feel ashamed saying. 'Re so upset have also been outed in a similar way vulnerability to explore kinks somebody. Good while trust with anything him for a drink or whatever to let him i overheard my wife talking about me to show off to friends. Will read this and tell she can not be your confidant she 's driving over him again & unnecessarily!

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