I understand you completely. Make it a point every day to let go of the little things about your partner that annoy you. The interactions between Aspergers spouse and the other spouse can have a long-term impact leading to ongoing stress cycles. The damage done unintentionally by my husband who has Aspergers, feels as though it is intentional. I am a RN in a pandemic. She believes her husband has Aspergers syndrome, despite the fact that he is on the autistic spectrum. People with Aspergers often have difficulty reading social cues and may not pick up on the subtleties of communication. It describes those who are living with chronic relational trauma, especially identified in the Autism/NT marriage. Or does his blindness now give him a pass to not care about the impact his unintentional act has on you? There are many resources available to you, and you deserve to be safe and happy. If you have children, it is important to consider their safety and wellbeing when making any decisions. People with Aspergers often have trouble reading nonverbal cues, such as body language or facial expressions. Did it matter at all? So, if you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to reach out. This sign can be difficult to spot if youre not familiar with Aspergers. The damage feels the same, the PTSD diagnosis is still PTSD. During courtship he had his own place to go retreat to. It is important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner if you feel like they are being too selfish. He is essentially much less mature than you, and thus he is unable to cope with the more complex adult problems in life. Though their behaviors may undermine the fabric of their partnerships. There can be a number of ways to deal with this if my husband has Aspergers. However, I think I can answer your question and refer you to a few other resources that may help you as well. Positivemental healthessentially allows you to effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges. He cares. Sending you a hug and understanding Lynn. Another way of dealing is asking for help when needed even though my husband does not always understand how best to provide me with support in situations where his actions might make things worse rather than better. My husband has Aspergers syndrome which made him socially awkward but he was still so kind and caring. The symptoms can range in severity, so not everyone who has Aspergers will experience the same challenges. The brain of a person with this neurological problem works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. writer and actor. ?) An empathetic ear in counseling helps keep me grounded in reality. key word there willing. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a neuro developmental disorder that can cause a variety of problems in life. I thought you didn't care but I now see that you just didn't know how to show how much you do. If he is so unsociable, how did he court you? I've been married to a man with aspergers for 35 years and he has sucked the life from me. Put the Jeopardy Championship in a new light. I would . And importantly, he refuses to be defined by it. In addition to Rs comments I would like to add that AS has degrees; there are obvious cases but some cases are subtle. Controlling your fianaces regardless of disability or motive is still abusive. I don't mean to say. This can make it difficult for them to form and maintain relationships. Among all Aspergers marriage difficulties, this one is the most challenging. Maybe there's something wrong with me," she said. Its so complicated and hard, and there arent many counselors out there who get it. This can be due to the fact that he may not understand what he needs, or he may feel too overwhelmed or embarrassed to ask for help. Another benefit is that I have learned to appreciate the little things in life. As much as you can, examine those expectations before you decide. I often feel appreciated by my husband. ), Theres a lot of overlap. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then it is time to take action and do what is best for you. The first way to deal with the challenges faced by those diagnosed with ASD is to spend quality time together. We met in college and he was the only person who truly understood me. He has eye contact, his facial expression changes, he smiles, laughs and he knows a little about everything, never lost for words. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. | If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger dont use this site. Even so, I feel isolated and totally exhausted from the continual effort at what often feels like a one sided relationship. In my work with hundreds of neurodiverse couples (where one or both partners are Asperger's/autistic), and have found that those who really apply themselves daily to working on the above behaviors are the ones that are able to create happy, healthy, long-term relationships. Admit where you may have messed up and take responsibility. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Whatever he was capable of then, he would be capable of now, right? A relationship can be built upon the foundation of respect, trust, and love if you are committed to your partner and willing to learn about their experiences and viewpoints. As a result, he often misses or misinterprets what someone really means, especially emotional nuances within conversations. The Cassandra Phenomenon is a definite. Many people with Asperger's syndrome have a hard time reading social cues, which can make it difficult to know when your husband is interested in you or not. For example, most neuro-typical individuals (NT as they are referred to) would clue in when someone they were talking to was bored or disinterested. As Dr Kathy Marshack says, its a profound disability. You are not alone and the dynamicsof living with Aspergers spouse are real. For people with ASD, touching frequently results in avoidance. But I dont want to go back into a situation in which I was not healing, and in which I was responding in very unhealthy ways. Not a good combo. Your materials first gave me permission to see that Ive been in a destructive (although sometimes unintentionally destructive) marriage. He also let me know that he is not capable of empathy, passion, touch, affection, reciprocal conversation, my boring opinions, compromise, meeting my emotional or sexual needs and has never felt any real love for me. This can be difficult since people dont always know that theyre touching someone too much without realizing it until after the fact of doing so. People say hes a nice guy!? Grab Wedding Month Deals on Marriage Courses! He's a good man. Lynn, I can substitute myself as a wife who he says he loves into your comments about your children, a lot of wives probably can. It's like trying to squeeze the contents of a book into a paragraph. Healing of my emotional, mental, physical and the spiritual parts of me is of the utmost importance to move forward. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. It is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to fixate on one or two particular subjects. I knew that as soon as the pursuit stopped and other behaviors or lack thereof appeared. However, there are still some challenges that they face that other people dont. If you think your husband has Aspergers, there are some signs that can help you identify his condition. If he refuses to listen or tries to gaslight you, then it may be time to leave the relationship. In general, however, it is important to remember that people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding the needs and emotions of others. Persons with AS/ASD are good at masking their disability by role playing and copying other's behavior. People with Aspergers can have difficulty with relationships for a variety of reasons. He has access to my 401k. When you make better connections, you can improve your relationships health. You can keep the relationship going if you understand autism and your partner communicates openly about their needs. I dont think my husband is on the spectrum, but does have other issues which I didnt help (which was pointed out to me a lot) and which contributed to some pretty bad situations between us. The biggest challenge whether or not you and your husband can make your marriage work will not be the diagnosis itself but what your husband does with it. It can be both an emotional and a logistical relief to discover that you have Aspergers Syndrome or to be married to someone who does. A person on the spectrum would not. Living with a husband with Aspergers NAS35093 over 5 years ago Hi there, I read the piece by the woman who had been married to her husband with Aspergers for 42 years. Aspergers can be a difficult condition to live with, but with understanding and patience, many marriages can survive and even thrive. Individuals on the Autism spectrum have difficulty perceiving peoples intentions, needs, feelings, or motivations and therefore often respond inappropriately in social situations. Their children might also inherit other genes associated with autism and mental health conditions such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. It becomes very taxing at times and I need time for myself in order to recharge. Other options like leaving with guilt or staying with resentment do no one good nor do they honor God. There can be many signs that may depict that my husband has Aspergers. Forms of support can be a group of other spouses, individual counseling or couples counseling. Please be well. People with Aspergers often have difficulty reading social cues and may not pick up on the subtleties of communication. Ive used the pronoun they/them/theirs to represent both the ASD and non-spectrum partner so that individuals of all genders are included. Ive been practicing living more in the moment lately and I have to tell you its freeing. You had a good run with him. For an extended period of time, a NT spouse may experience mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, affective deprivation disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of living with an undiagnosed and untreated partner with AS. This can be due to the fact that he may feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable in social situations. This may include getting a job or setting up a savings account. He often has problems managing anger and can appear rude, insensitive, and indifferent although he is usually shocked when someone accuses him of this because from his point of view he does care. Kids, a family-I was in a hurry and made bad choices for all involvedmyself, husband and kids. What an epiphany and learning curve its been! Living with Aspergers spouse takes a lot of compromise on the part of their partner. But I also feel guilty (he frequently reminds me that I never was fully committed to the marriagebut I wanted to bewanted to be committed to a healthy marriage). I find life is often lonely and stressful. Aspergers syndrome is a form of autism that can make social interaction difficult. I will miss this beautiful state and my sweet grandkids, but Im ready to get back into my own home. Learn how to better communicate for a happier. I Feel Guilty Leaving. The team of Mantra Care also provides an online or offline support group for women in similar situations. They can focus for hours striving to master their giftedness. We can continue living our lives to the fullest. As an Aspie, echoing this. He has lived like everything is his and somehow hes convinced me it is too and if I want to leave I can if I dont then I can stay, doesnt matter one way or the other. He never knew anything was wrong and he still doesnt, according to him It is ME! . 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